Linger
by Ninazadzia
Summary: Rey/Kylo Ren. Our kisses were a lot like our fighting. His were desperate, clinging, always fighting for something more. Mine hesitant, resisting the fire he'd awakened, somewhere deep inside of me. T for language.


**Summary: **Rey/Kylo Ren. Our kisses were a lot like our fighting. His were desperate, clinging, always fighting for something more. Mine hesitant, resisting the fire he'd awakened, somewhere deep inside of me. T for language.

**Author's Note: **set after TLJ. I know nothing about the plot of TRoS, this is my version of what will happen in episode IX.

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Linger

By Ninazadzia

* * *

"_But I'm in so deep  
You know I'm such a fool for you  
You've got me wrapped around your finger…"_

* * *

Our kisses were a lot like our fighting.

In the beginning, they happened in the heat of the moment, when we would be drawn out off the front lines while our respective sides were in the thick of battle. We'd slash our sabers at one another, both of us desperate to keep going but neither aiming to kill. We'd engage in this dance of ours—his hand skilled from years of training, mine quick and reliant mostly on natural instinct—until one of us would inevitably stop, if only for a moment, just at the moment that we had the upper hand. Just at the moment we could go for the kill.

The first time it happened, he was the one with the clean shot. And instead of taking it, he dropped his saber to the ground, and took a deep breath before he lunged forward, grabbing my hair by the fistful as he crushed his lips against mine.

We'd engage in an entirely different kind of dance. His kisses desperate, clinging, always fighting for something more. Mine hesitant, mostly out of surprise at first, but eventually out of resistance for just how fucking _good_ they felt—resistance for the fire the feeling of his lips against mine awakened, somewhere deep inside of me.

It didn't take long until I eventually started to give into that feeling, until the burning deep inside of me took over. Until these long, drawn out duels in the middle of battles turned into stolen moments on the sidelines, each of us fighting for more time away from our armies.

I told myself that's what it was, at first. Stolen moments in the midst of war—nothing more.

* * *

Our talks were nothing like our kisses.

The Force connection remained between us. There were times when I could feel him reaching out through the Force, right after Luke passed. He'd turned his back on me and had committed himself to the dark side—in the beginning, I'd convinced myself his efforts were a feeble attempt to get me to join him, to remind me of the connection we'd shared during my time on Ach'to, however brief.

I shunned him. And yet, he kept trying.

It wasn't until after that first stolen kiss, in the heat of battle, that I let him in, the extent of our interaction all of a couple of sentences—

"Why?" I'd breathed, my bottom lip still split from a bite he'd given me. I'd gently touched my fingers to the bruise.

The corners of his mouth had turned up the slightest bit, his expression otherwise unreadable. "You don't realize it, do you?"

Before I could say "realize what?", he'd cut off our Force connection. And then everything devolved from there.

Stolen kisses on the battlefield fueled longer conversations—some about the war, but most about each other. About his childhood, and what it was like living in Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa's shadows. About my struggles with my new identity as a Jedi, and how I couldn't help but feel like an outsider in the Resistance. How Ben couldn't help but feel remorse, knowing that he was on the wrong side of this fight, but couldn't bring himself back to the Light. How he thought he was in too deep, too far gone.

* * *

I asked him a second time, some months later.

This time, he hadn't kissed me under the guise of a sidelined battle—he'd reached out to me, through the force. We'd stayed up all through the night, where we'd gone from stories of my childhood with Unkur Plutt to him telling me a story about how his father had once lost the Falcon in a game of poker, all the way back to Jakku again. He'd taken my face in his hands, and slowly, softly, pressed his lips against mine. It held none of the desperation and longing that the kisses before it had—only a softness.

"Ben," I whispered, holding his hands in mine. He was somewhere far away—Kashyyyk, maybe. I knew better than to ask. "Why?"

He shook his head, his eyes wide. "Don't make me say it. You already know."

He squeezed my hands. And while his mouth didn't move a muscle, I heard his voice loud and clear, ringing through the force.

_You don't know the things you do to me, Rey. _

* * *

We had a moment together, just before he died.

He'd thrown himself in front of Palpatine's lightsaber, taking a blow that was meant to end my life. I'd channeled the energy and rage of every Jedi before me and directed it at the Emperor, and watched as he fell to his knees, a mere carcass of the man. I didn't even give myself a moment for the shock to register. I ran straight to Ben, white, hot tears springing my eyes.

"Hold on, please, hold on." I held him in my arms, cradling his face, knowing full well it was futile. The wound was going to kill him.

He knew this too. "Ssh, ssh," he managed, his voice shaking. He managed enough force to squeeze my hands. "Rey," he whispered. "Close your eyes."

I shook my head, the word "no" escaping my mouth a dozen times, before finally giving into his pleas.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, we were in the forest.

I recognized it almost immediately. We were in Takodana, maybe a stone's throw from where Ben and I had first met. Except this time, the sounds of screams didn't fill the air. Only the faint hum of cicadas and the wind.

I didn't realize I was clutching on to Ben until I felt blood start to pool under my fingernails. He stroked my hair, holding me close, not giving any inclination of the pain I was surely inflicting on his forearm.

"You, y-y-you…"

"Don't say it," he whispered. A mangled sound escaped my mouth, somewhere between a cry and a coherent thought. "I bought us some time. Let's not talk about it."

He pulled away, gently, ever so slightly. The ghost of a smile played on his lips. He'd been crying, too, but not the way that I had. He wiped a few tears as they welled in my eyes.

"You're going to be okay." His voice broke as he said it, but his face remained steady. "The galaxy is so lucky to have you."

"But you…"

He shook his head, a small laugh escaping his lips. "I'm a lost cause, Rey. Everything good about me, the best parts of me…" he traced my jawline, locking his eyes with mine, "…is you."

I hadn't even been attempting to hold it together, but at that point, I fucking lost it. I let myself completely melt into Ben's arms, let him cradle me as I sobbed into his chest, screaming.

How fucking ridiculous. I'd lost so many people—Han, Luke. My parents. But losing Ben Solo had me completely unhinged. And he wasn't even gone yet.

I looked back up at him, finally taking a deep breath. "How long do we have?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. A few minutes, maybe. Maybe a little bit more than that."

"I don't even know what to say." I shook my head.

He stroked my arm, leaning down to whisper in my ear. "You don't need to say anything. Just be here with me."

I laced his fingers into mine, letting him pull me close. We watched as the hummingbirds flew by, dancing through the treetops. I don't know when we were—Maz's bar was nowhere in sight—but whichever day he picked was a beautiful one. The way the sun fell through the treetops made it look as if we were sitting inside of a halo.

I couldn't manage the words I wanted to come out of my mouth. I took his hand in mine, gently placing it over my heart.

_I can't help but wonder how different things would've been. Had we met sooner. Maybe it wouldn't be this way._

He chuckled. I was facing away from him, but could tell he was smiling. "Rey, if we'd met before Snoke had gotten to me, I never would have turned."

_Where do you think we would be now?_

He cleared his throat. "Probably in a house together, somewhere on Chandrila." His voice broke the slightest bit. "You'd have just walked the kids home from school. I'd be starting dinner."

I choked back the tears as they threatened to spill over.

_I'm going to ask you one last time—why?_

He leaned in, slowly, deliberately. The light from the treetops was starting to spill out through the forest, blinding everything around us. I knew we were almost out of time. Soon, I would be back on that wretched planet, covered in Palpatine's blood and holding a dead Ben Solo in my arms. I clutched on to him, not wanting to let him go.

"Everything I like about me, is you." He planted a soft kiss on the top of my head, just as the light overtook us both.

As I faded back into reality, I heard his voice, loud and clear through the Force.

_I love you, Rey. Always. _

* * *

"_Oh, I thought the world of you  
I thought nothing could go wrong  
But I was wrong, I was wrong_

_If you, if you could get by  
Trying not to lie  
Things wouldn't be so confused  
And I wouldn't feel so used  
But you always really knew  
I just want to be with you…"_

~ Linger, **The Cranberries**

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**Author's Note:** Originally intended this to be angsty smut, but wound up going in a completely different direction with this one. Listened to "Linger" by The Cranberries on loop as I was writing this, for reasons unknown to me and my Florence + the Machine loving ass.

Let me know what you think in the reviews—this is much fluffier than what I normally write, so any and all feedback is appreciated.


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